Through years of working as an intimacy provider, I’ve witnessed countless people carrying shame and confusion about female pleasure. This affects not only those trying to understand their partners, but women themselves who received so little education that they feel disconnected from their own bodies. Today I’m sharing the practical, sometimes awkward truths that mainstream conversations just don’t touch on.
A note on language and bodies
Before we dive in, I want to acknowledge that I’m using gendered language throughout this piece because I’m specifically addressing the cultural shame and misinformation that surrounds “female pleasure” as a concept. However, not everyone with vulvas identifies as a woman, and not everyone who experiences this type of pleasure is cisgender.
Trans men, non-binary people and others with vulvas navigate all of these same anatomical realities whilst often facing additional layers of dysphoria, medical gatekeeping and erasure from conversations about pleasure entirely. The information here applies to anyone with this anatomy, regardless of gender identity.
If you’re trans or non-binary, please take what’s useful from this and leave what doesn’t resonate. Your pleasure matters just as much, your body’s responses are just as valid, and you deserve the same shame-free education and support that anyone else does.
The arousal gap is real (and nobody’s fault)
It should be common knowledge that arousal works differently for most women compared to what you see in films. While men can often quickly go from zero to fully aroused, most women need considerably more time for their bodies to catch up to their minds.
This is not a design flaw, it simply is how many female bodies work. The physical process of arousal involves increased blood flow, natural lubrication, swelling of tissues and muscle relaxation. This takes time, often 20 to 45 minutes or more.
What makes this confusing is that mental desire and physical arousal don’t always align. You might feel turned on mentally while your body hasn’t quite gotten the message yet. This disconnect can make you feel like something is wrong, but it’s actually incredibly common and completely normal.
I’ve seen so many women who felt something was wrong with them because they needed more time than their partners. They carried shame about needing extended foreplay or felt guilty that their bodies weren’t responding as quickly as they thought they should. Once they understood this is just how arousal works for many people, they were able to be kinder to themselves and move towards enjoying themselves more.
The practical takeaway is that foreplay isn’t just a nice warm-up before the “real thing.” For many women, it IS the real thing. Extended touching, kissing, talking and building anticipation allows the body time to become genuinely ready for more intense stimulation.
The clitoris is far more than you think
The clitoris is not just that small external button you can see. It’s actually a large, complex organ with most of its structure hidden beneath the surface. The visible part is just the tip of an iceberg that extends deep into the body with internal structures that surround the vaginal canal.
This matters because it explains why different types of stimulation can all feel good. When you stimulate the external clitoris, you’re also indirectly stimulating the internal structures. When you stimulate the vaginal walls, you’re stimulating the clitoris from another angle. It’s all connected.
Understanding this anatomy helps explain why there’s no single “right way” to experience pleasure. Some women prefer direct external stimulation, others find it too intense. Some love internal stimulation, others find it doesn’t do much at all. This variation isn’t because some bodies work correctly and others don’t. Everyone’s anatomy is slightly different and responds to different types of touch.
The clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings, which explains why it can be incredibly sensitive. This means what feels amazing one moment might feel overwhelming the next. Learning to communicate about pressure, speed and technique isn’t being demanding. It’s providing essential information about a highly sensitive organ that has its own unique way of experiencing pleasure.
Most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone
This might be the most important myth to bust: the majority of women do not reliably orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Studies consistently show that only about 18 to 25 percent of women can climax from penetration without additional clitoral stimulation.
Yet somehow, we’ve built an entire cultural narrative around penetrative sex being the main event, with everything else relegated to “foreplay”. This creates enormous pressure and shame for the vast majority of women whose bodies work “differently”.
I’ve met women who felt deeply inadequate because they couldn’t orgasm from penetration alone, thinking that they were somehow weird in this experience.
This doesn’t mean penetrative sex can’t be pleasurable. Many women genuinely enjoy penetration for the fullness, intimacy and connection it provides. But enjoying something and having it lead to orgasm are two different things, and both are completely valid.
The practical implication is that if orgasm is a goal, most women will need direct clitoral stimulation. This might happen through manual touch, oral sex, toys or certain positions that create friction. This isn’t a workaround or compensation. It’s simply working with how most bodies actually function.
Arousal isn’t always spontaneous
There’s a pervasive myth that sexual desire should appear spontaneously, like hunger or thirst. While this spontaneous desire pattern is relatively common among men, many women experience what’s called responsive desire instead.
Responsive desire means that arousal emerges in response to sexual activity rather than preceding it. You might not feel particularly interested in sex until after physical intimacy begins, at which point your body starts to respond and desire builds naturally. This is not low libido or lack of attraction. It’s actually a different arousal pattern that’s completely normal and healthy.
I’ve seen people transform their intimate lives simply by understanding this difference. Instead of one person feeling rejected because the other didn’t initiate sex “spontaneously”, they learned to recognise that starting physical affection even when not feeling particularly aroused could lead to genuine desire emerging naturally.
This also means that scheduling intimacy isn’t forcing yourself or being inauthentic. For people with responsive desire patterns, it’s actually how their sexuality functions best. The desire shows up after you begin, not before.
The mind matters as much as the body
Female pleasure isn’t just about physical technique. The mental and emotional state matters enormously. Stress, anxiety, distraction or self-consciousness about your body can all significantly interfere with arousal and pleasure.
This is why the same touch that feels amazing one day might do nothing for you another day. Your nervous system needs to feel safe and relaxed for arousal to happen fully. When your brain is occupied with thoughts like “does my stomach look okay from this angle?” or “am I taking too long?” your body simply cannot fully engage in pleasure.
Creating conditions for pleasure often means addressing the mental and emotional aspects as much as the physical. This might involve removing distractions, setting aside enough time that you’re not rushed, communicating about what you need to feel comfortable, or using practices like deep breathing to help your nervous system relax.
The reality is that mental presence is a skill you develop, not something that should happen automatically. This has changed everything for many women I’ve worked with.
Communication isn’t optional
Your partners cannot read your mind. No matter how attentive, experienced or well-intentioned they are, they cannot intuitively know what feels good for your specific body at this specific moment.
What worked yesterday might not work today. What feels amazing at the beginning might become too intense after a few minutes. The only way to navigate this is through actual communication.
This doesn’t mean providing constant verbal instructions, but it is an option! Communication can be verbal (“a bit softer,” “yes, right there”), non-verbal (guiding hands, moving your body, making sounds) or a combination. What matters is that information gets transmitted in a way that feels best to everyone involved.
While many women feel uncomfortable communicating during intimacy because they worry it will sound critical or kill the mood, most partners are actually relieved to receive guidance because it helps them understand what works. A partner who genuinely wants to show up for your arousal will be open to learning your body. Providing feedback isn’t criticism, it’s a collaboration! Co-creation is a vibe.
Learning to communicate about pleasure also means being honest when something doesn’t feel good, even if you think it “should”. Faking enjoyment or orgasm doesn’t protect anybody’s feelings long-term. It only ensures that you will keep having experiences that don’t actually satisfy you, and can lead to disinterest or resentment over time.
For men (or anyone else) who thinks they should already know everything
There is strong cultural conditioning that has most men believing they should instinctively know how to please a woman, as if sexual prowess is somehow encoded in their DNA alongside the ability to parallel park and open jar lids. This creates a stupid amount of pressure to perform without ever asking questions, because asking feels like admitting that you don’t know what you’re doing.
The reality is that this expectation is not fair on anybody. Every woman’s body is different. What worked brilliantly with a previous partner might do absolutely nothing for your current one. Even with the same person, what felt incredible last week might need adjustment today. There is no universal manual, no secret technique that works for everyone, no way to just “know” without actually communicating.
Personally, the sexiest thing a man can do is ask questions and genuinely want to learn. Approaching intimacy with curiosity demonstrates emotional intelligence that is genuinely attractive. When I hear “show me what you like” or “is this working for you?” or “what would feel even better?”… I’m flustered just thinking about it!
Asking doesn’t make you look inexperienced or incompetent. It makes you look like a person who cares more about actual connection and pleasure than how you are being perceived. It shows me that you understand that sexuality is collaborative rather than something you need to perform. It demonstrates a confidence in yourself that most women find incredibly appealing.
I’ve worked with men who have made this shift, from the expectation of having to know everything, to genuinely asking and learning, and it has been HOT HOT HOT! Not just for me, but for themselves too. When you can let go of the expectation to perform and start to really connect, intimacy becomes so much more satisfying for everyone involved.
So if you’ve been carrying the weight of expectation, feeling like you should instinctively know how to please every woman, you can finally put that burden down. Ask questions. Pay attention to responses. Be curious about what works for each particular woman in each particular moment. In the eyes of a female sexual partner this does not make you seem “less of a man”. On the contrary, it is one of the most attractive things you can do.
Bodies change (and so does pleasure)
Female pleasure isn’t static. It changes throughout your menstrual cycle, with age, after pregnancy, during menopause, with stress levels, with medication changes and for countless other reasons. What felt incredible at 25 might feel completely different at 45, and that’s not loss. It’s simply evolution.
Hormonal fluctuations can significantly affect arousal, sensitivity and what types of stimulation feel best. Many women notice they’re more easily aroused during certain phases of their cycle and need more time or different approaches during others. This variation is normal. I personally lose my mind with hyper-arousal when I am ovulating!
Pregnancy, childbirth, menopause, age, overall health, stress, relationship dynamics and your relationship with your own body all influence how you experience pleasure. Understanding that this fluidity is normal helps you approach changes with curiosity rather than alarm. Instead of asking “why doesn’t this work anymore?” you can ask “what does my body respond to now?”.
Orgasm is not the only measure of good sex
News flash babes: orgasm is not the gold standard by which all sexual experiences should be judged! While orgasms are lovely, they’re not the only valuable outcome of intimate connection.
The pressure to orgasm actually often interferes with pleasure. When you’re focused on reaching a specific goal, you’re not fully present in the sensations of the moment. You’re working toward a destination rather than enjoying the journey, which ironically makes the destination harder to reach.
I’ve seen women who enjoyed intimate touch, felt connected to their partners and left encounters feeling satisfied, but still felt like they’d “failed” because they didn’t climax. This turns pleasure into a performance, which completely undermines the point of intimacy.
Sometimes the most satisfying intimate experiences don’t include orgasm at all. Maybe you felt deeply connected, enjoyed sensual touch, laughed together or simply felt cherished. These are all valuable outcomes that deserve recognition rather than being dismissed as “not quite good enough”.
Lubrication does not guarantee arousal
Natural lubrication is not a reliable indicator of arousal. You can be completely turned on mentally while not producing much natural lubrication, or you can be physically lubricated without feeling particularly aroused.
Many factors affect natural lubrication including hormones, hydration, medications, stress, where you are in your menstrual cycle and individual variation. Some women naturally produce abundant lubrication, while others never do regardless of how aroused they feel. Neither is better.
The myth that “wetness equals arousal” creates shame for women whose bodies don’t respond this way. They worry their lack of lubrication means they’re not truly turned on, or their partners interpret it as lack of attraction.
The solution is simple: use lubricant! High quality lubricant is not a replacement for “real” arousal or a sign that something is wrong. It’s a practical tool that makes physical intimacy more comfortable and pleasurable. Many women find that using lubricant from the beginning makes the entire experience more enjoyable.
There’s no “normal” when it comes to pleasure
Perhaps the most important message is this: there is no universal standard for female pleasure. What works, what feels good, how long it takes, what positions are comfortable, whether you prefer gentle or intense stimulation… These are all individual variables that exist on spectrums.
Some women love their breasts being touched, others find it does nothing. Some need firm pressure, others need the lightest possible touch. Some love oral sex, others feel nothing from it. Some can orgasm quickly, others need extended stimulation. All of these variations are normal.
The problem isn’t variation. It’s the cultural messaging that implies there’s a correct way for female bodies to respond. This creates shame when your experience doesn’t match what you’re told is “supposed to” happen.
My advice is to stop trying to match an imaginary standard and start getting genuinely curious about how your own body responds, then pleasure becomes accessible in completely new ways.
Ladies: pleasure is a skill you can develop
The capacity for pleasure isn’t fixed. It’s actually a skill you can develop through practice, attention and patience with yourself. Many women who initially struggled to experience much pleasure or to reach orgasm have learned to do so by getting curious about their bodies and practicing without pressure.
This often involves solo exploration where you can discover what works for your body without worrying about someone else’s experience. It might mean experimenting with different types of touch, pressure, rhythm and techniques. It might involve using toys to provide consistent stimulation.
Understanding your own body through self-exploration isn’t selfish. It’s actually one of the most valuable things you can do for your intimate life. You cannot effectively communicate to partners what you need if you don’t know yourself.
Many women were taught that touching themselves was shameful, so they reached adulthood without basic knowledge about their own anatomy or pleasure. Reclaiming this exploration as adults, with a mindset of curiosity rather than performance, can be genuinely revolutionary.
A final note
Female pleasure requires releasing shame, challenging myths and approaching your own body with genuine curiosity rather than assumptions. Bodies are complex, pleasure is individual and there’s no single correct way to experience intimacy.
If you’ve struggled with pleasure, you’re not defective because your body doesn’t respond the way you think it should. You might simply need different approaches, more time, better communication, reduced pressure, or just permission to explore what actually works for your unique body.
And if you are a person who wants to support someone else’s pleasure, the best thing you can offer is patience, curiosity and willingness to communicate openly. To create a space where everybody feels safe to explore, communicate and take the time they need, is truly generous.
Female pleasure is not mysterious. But it does require honest communication, patience and the willingness to approach each body as the unique, complex and beautiful organism that it is. When we stop expecting bodies to behave according to myths and start learning how they actually function, pleasure becomes accessible in ways it never was before.
Learning to understand and honour your own pleasure is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself, and for anyone you choose to share intimacy with.
Love Evie