We live in a culture that has created significant barriers around physical contact between adults. On one hand, we’re constantly told about touch’s importance for human development, emotional wellbeing and social bonding. On the other hand, we’ve created a society where most touch between adults is either romantic/sexual or limited to brief, socially prescribed interactions that provide minimal emotional nourishment. It’s contributing to a collective of people who are feeling confused, lonely and unsure how to meet their needs in an “acceptable” way.
This leaves a massive gap in our experience of human connection, one that many people don’t even realise they’re missing until they encounter it. As an intimacy provider and escort, I’ve witnessed firsthand how profound non-sexual touch can be for emotional wellbeing and genuine intimacy. Many clients come to me seeking sexual experiences, but what often proves most meaningful is the simple human contact: being held, having their hair stroked or just lying close to another person without any agenda beyond presence and care.
This has made me acutely aware of how touch-starved our culture has become and how much healing and connection is possible when we expand our understanding of intimacy beyond the sexual realm.
The touch famine
Touch starvation is a real phenomenon that affects far more people than we typically acknowledge. Humans are biologically wired for physical contact. It regulates our nervous systems, reduces stress hormones, boosts immune function and helps us feel emotionally regulated and socially connected. Yet somehow we’ve created social structures that severely limit access to healing, nurturing touch.
Single people, particularly those not actively dating, can go weeks or months with minimal meaningful physical contact beyond brief social interactions. Even people in relationships often find that most of their touch is either functional or sexual, leaving little space for the kind of nurturing contact that serves purely to comfort and connect.
Older adults, people with disabilities, those who are grieving or those dealing with mental health challenges are particularly vulnerable to touch deprivation. Our culture’s discomfort with non-sexual intimacy means that many people are essentially cut off from one of the most fundamental human needs: the need for caring physical contact.
I’ve worked with clients who describe feeling like they’re starving for human touch in ways they couldn’t even articulate before experiencing it. They might not have realised how much they needed to be held, to feel skin-to-skin contact or simply to have someone present with them in their body until they experienced it in a safe, non-judgemental environment.
What non-sexual touch provides
Non-sexual touch serves different psychological and physiological functions than sexual touch, though the two can certainly overlap and complement each other in wonderful ways! Non-sexual touch is primarily about comfort, safety, emotional regulation and the simple pleasure of human connection without any goal beyond presence.
This type of touch can be wonderful for people who carry trauma, anxiety or simply the accumulated stress of living in this often chaotic world. Being held without expectation, having your back rubbed without it leading anywhere or even cuddling whilst watching a film can provide nervous system regulation that’s difficult to achieve through other means.
I feel the main difference is the absence of agenda or expectation. Sexual touch, whilst wonderful, often carries implicit expectations about arousal, performance or reciprocity. Non-sexual touch can simply exist for its own sake, it can be to provide comfort, to express care or to create a moment of peaceful connection between two people. It is JUST as valid as sexual touch.
I’ve seen clients visibly relax in ways they couldn’t achieve through conversation alone when they experience reverent, non-sexual touch. Their breathing deepens, their muscles release tension they probably didn’t even know they were carrying and they often describe feeling more grounded and present than they have in months.
The experience of being safely held
It can be powerful being held by another person who is entirely present with you, not as a prelude to anything else, but simply as an act of care. This kind of holding can provide emotional regulation that we typically associate with parent-child relationships but that adults also need and deserve, despite cultural messages suggesting we should have outgrown such needs by adulthood. This is another conditioned expectation, touch is essential to most human beings for life.
Many people carry unmet needs from childhood around being comforted through touch, or they’ve experienced trauma that has made them wary of physical contact. Experiencing safe, consensual holding as an adult can be profoundly healing and can help repair relationships with touch that have been damaged by past experiences.
In my professional experience, some of the most meaningful sessions I have had with clients involve very little that would traditionally be considered “sexual”. Instead, they’re about creating space for vulnerability, providing comfort through touch and allowing people to experience intimacy without sexuality being on the table in any way.
Touch and emotional regulation
Our nervous systems are designed to be co-regulated through physical contact with other humans. This is why holding a crying child naturally soothes them, why we instinctively reach out to touch someone who’s distressed and why physical isolation can be so psychologically damaging. We do not grow out of our need for this, rather we strike a balance between self-regulation and co-regulation, that is healthy and balanced.
Many adults have lost access to this natural form of emotional regulation. They’ve learnt to self-soothe through other means, often less healthy ones, rather than seeking the kind of physical comfort that would naturally help them manage difficult emotions. Asking for nurturing touch as an adult can feel scary when we have been taught by our society and culture that we shouldn’t need it.
Non-sexual touch can provide co-regulation in ways that don’t require romantic or sexual relationships. A long hug from a friend, a massage that focuses on comfort rather than just therapeutic technique or simply sitting close to someone whilst sharing difficult emotions can help regulate the nervous system in important ways.
This doesn’t mean that all emotional distress should be addressed through touch, but rather that touch is one valuable tool for emotional regulation that many people have forgotten how to access or ask for in healthy ways.
Cultural barriers to non-sexual intimacy
One of the biggest obstacles to experiencing healing non-sexual touch is cultural conditioning that makes most physical contact between adults somehow sexual or romantic. We’ve created such strong associations between touch and sexuality that many people can’t imagine being physically intimate with someone without it leading to or implying sexual interest.
This can be quite challenging for friendships, where expressing needs for physical comfort might be misinterpreted as romantic interest. Most of my friendships have a foundation of touch and I will often cuddle with my friends of all genders and inclinations. Thankfully, we have been able to have conversations about this and moved through the conditioning that states that any form of touch beyond a quick hug is “romantic” and “inappropriate”.
It’s also difficult for people who are single but not looking for romantic relationships, people in committed relationships who need nurturing touch from sources other than their partner or people whose partners aren’t naturally physically affectionate.
The result is that many people suppress legitimate needs for physical comfort rather than risk misunderstanding or social judgement. They learn to do without touch rather than navigate the complex social negotiations that asking for non-sexual physical intimacy might require.
Professional services like massage therapy provide some access to healing touch, but even these interactions are often limited by professional boundaries that, whilst necessary, can make them feel clinical rather than nurturing depending on the provider. There’s a meaningful difference between therapeutic touch and the kind of affectionate, caring contact that addresses emotional needs.
Different types of nurturing touch
Non-sexual intimacy through touch can take many forms, each serving different needs and providing different types of comfort and connection. Understanding these variations can help people identify what they might be missing and how to ask for, or create opportunities for nurturing touch.
Holding and cuddling provide overall nervous system regulation and can address deep needs for safety and comfort. This might involve spooning, having someone’s head in your lap or simply sitting close together with physical contact. The key is that it’s safe, comfortable contact that allows both people to relax and be present.
Gentle stroking of hair, arms, back or hands can be incredibly soothing and can help people reconnect with their bodies in positive ways.
Massage, when offered with deep attention rather than just therapeutic technique, can provide emotional comfort. The difference is in the intention and presence of the person providing it: massage that’s about caring for someone feels entirely different than massage that’s purely corrective.
Simple contact like holding hands, touching shoulders or having feet touching whilst sitting together can provide ongoing connection without being overwhelming for people who aren’t comfortable with more extensive physical contact.
Our professional approach to nurturing touch
Through our work together, Axel and I have developed a deep understanding of how powerful non-sexual touch can be for healing and connection. We offer cuddle sessions that are specifically designed to provide the kind of nurturing contact that many people are missing from their lives.
These sessions are clothed and focus entirely on comfort, safety and emotional wellbeing rather than sexual arousal. We create environments where people can experience being held, gentle caressing and affectionate physical connection without any pressure or expectation beyond receiving care and comfort.
What makes our cuddle sessions unique is the real-life connection we bring as a genuine couple. Many clients find that experiencing nurturing touch from two people who adore each other creates a particularly safe and warm environment. There’s something really safe about being welcomed into that space of love and softness, even temporarily.
We are deeply reverent in our approach and can hold space for whatever feelings may arise during non-sexual touch sessions. Through many years of attending human forests (an event where a group of participants are guided by facilitators to engage in devotional, non-sexual touch, with the goal of fostering a sense of presence and connection) and offering touch professionally, we’ve become well equipped to support those looking to go deeper into safe touch experiences. We understand that physical intimacy can bring up unexpected emotions or responses, and we’re experienced in providing the kind of presence and support that allows people to process these experiences safely.
We’ve found that these sessions often serve people who are rebuilding their relationship with touch after difficult personal experiences. It can also help those who are simply touch-starved due to life circumstances, or people who want to experience physical intimacy without the complexity of sexual expectations. Some clients use these sessions as stepping stones towards more intimate experiences, whilst others find that the nurturing touch itself is exactly what they need without considering anything intimate in the future.
Our approach emphasises clear communication about boundaries, worries and desires before we engage in touch. We understand that everyone’s comfort levels and needs are different, and we craft each session to honour what feels safe and nourishing for each person.
Many people describe these sessions as beautifully restorative, a reminder of their own worth and capacity for receiving care. We live in a chaotic world that tends to make us feel like we should be self-sufficient in all things, but that is not realistic. We all deserve to feel cared for and held.
Personal boundaries
An important consideration when offering non-sexual touch is how to ensure that appropriate boundaries are maintained while still allowing for meaningful intimacy. This is particularly relevant in friendships and relationships where romantic involvement isn’t desired or appropriate.
The key is clear and open communication about intentions, boundaries and expectations. Non-sexual touch can only be offered when everyone involved is clear about what’s being offered and received, what feels comfortable and what each person’s boundaries are.
In personal relationships, this conversation might involve asking for comfort through touch, explaining that you’re seeking nurturing rather than sexual connection, or simply being explicit about your needs and boundaries.
The difference between nurturing and sexual touch
Whilst all intimate touch exists on a spectrum, there are meaningful distinctions between touch that’s primarily nurturing and touch that’s primarily sexual. Understanding these differences can help people communicate more effectively about their needs and create experiences that serve their actual desires rather than fulfilling assumed expectations.
Nurturing touch is typically focused on comfort and care. The intention is to soothe, connect and provide presence rather than to create excitement or lead to sexual activity. This type of touch often involves more surface contact: holding, stroking, cuddling and avoids erogenous zones entirely.
Sexual touch, whilst it can certainly be nurturing, typically has arousal and sexual expression as a primary intention. It tends to be more focused on erogenous zones and directed towards sexual pleasure or energy for one or both people involved.
The same physical action can fall into either category depending on the intention, context and communication involved. A back rub can be purely nurturing or can be sexual foreplay, depending on what’s been communicated and what both people want from the experience.
This distinction matters because many people conflate all intimate touch with sexual touch, which can prevent them from seeking or offering the kind of nurturing contact that serves emotional wellbeing rather than sexual desire.
Trauma and touch
For people who have experienced trauma, particularly sexual trauma, the relationship with touch becomes more complex. Whilst healing touch can be incredibly beneficial for trauma recovery, it can also trigger difficult responses that need to be approached with care and often professional support.
Trauma-informed approaches to touch emphasise the importance of control, predictability and clear communication. For people who have experienced trauma, being able to direct what happens, when it happens and how it happens can make the difference between touch that heals and touch that retraumatises.
This might mean starting with minimal contact and building slowly, being intentional about every transition and giving them complete control over the pace and extent of physical contact. It often means separating nurturing touch from any sexual context until trust and comfort have been deeply established.
The healing potential of appropriate, consensual touch for trauma survivors can be significant, but it should always be approached in consultation with qualified professionals and with complete respect for the person’s own sense of what feels safe and helpful.
Creating opportunities for healing touch
Given the cultural barriers and personal challenges around non-sexual intimate touch, creating opportunities for this kind of connection often requires intention and creativity. People who recognise their need for nurturing touch might need to actively seek out ways to meet this need rather than hoping it will happen naturally.
This might involve having open conversations with friends or family members about comfort with physical affection. It could mean seeking out professional services that provide appropriate touch in healing contexts. Some people benefit from practices like partner massage classes, dance or movement therapy that incorporates touch in structured, safe ways.
Support groups for people dealing with grief, illness or other life challenges sometimes create opportunities for appropriate physical comfort amongst people who understand the need for non-sexual nurturing touch.
The key is recognising that this is a legitimate need that deserves to be met in healthy ways, rather than something to be ashamed of or to ignore until its absence leads to other problems in your life.
The ongoing benefits of non-sexual touch
When people experience appropriate, healing non-sexual touch, the benefits often extend far beyond the immediate physical pleasure or comfort. Regular access to nurturing touch can improve overall emotional regulation, reduce anxiety and depression, enhance immune function and improve relationship satisfaction across all areas of life. How glorious touch is!
People who feel touch-nourished often feel more patient with others, more comfortable in their own bodies and more able to provide emotional support to themselves and the people they care about. The nervous system regulation that comes from healing touch creates a foundation for better decision-making, clearer communication and greater resilience in the face of life’s inevitable stresses.
This suggests that non-sexual intimate touch isn’t just a luxury or something that’s “nice to have”, it’s actually a component of overall health and wellbeing that deserves the same attention we give to nutrition, exercise and medical care.
Moving towards a touch-positive culture
Recognising the importance of non-sexual intimate touch requires cultural shifts in how we think about physical contact, intimacy and human needs. This means challenging assumptions that all adult touch is sexual, creating more opportunities for appropriate nurturing contact and teaching people how to communicate about touch needs in healthy ways.
It also means recognising that different people have different comfort levels with physical contact and that these differences should be respected. Some people are naturally more touch-oriented, whilst others prefer other forms of intimacy and connection. We do not need to make everyone physically affectionate, but to create a space for those who need nurturing touch to access it in safe, appropriate ways.
Understanding non-sexual intimacy as a legitimate and important human need can help reduce the shame and stigma that often surrounds requests for physical comfort. When we normalise the idea that adults sometimes need to be held, comforted through touch or simply experience caring physical contact, we create permission for people to seek out these experiences without embarrassment or misunderstanding.
Your need for nurturing touch is valid and so important, regardless of your age, relationship status or life circumstances. Learning to recognise, communicate and meet this need in healthy ways is part of overall self-care and can significantly enhance your wellbeing and your capacity for meaningful connection with others.