I have been primarily attracted to women for my whole adult life, and have built my romantic relationships exclusively with women. However, more recently I have learnt that I can experience genuine attraction to other men, but only within a dynamic where female energy is also present.
This isn’t about being “secretly gay” or “in denial”, but a realisation that for me attraction can be highly contextual and situational. When I’m with another man one-on-one, I simply do not experience sexual attraction. There’s no spark, no chemistry, no pull towards intimacy. But if a woman is also present, then the experience takes a completely different form.
For me, a dynamic that involves a woman and another man creates polarity and fluidity, and can become charged in a unique way that I find highly arousing. It’s as though the combination of masculine and feminine energies creates something entirely new, something greater than the sum of its parts. The interplay between these different energies generates a magnetic field that I find myself strongly drawn to.
This discovery initially confused me. I questioned what it meant about my identity, my orientation, my understanding of myself. Was I bisexual? Was I repressing something? The truth is, none of these traditional categories seemed to fit my actual lived experience.
A relatable analogy
To other straight leaning men who struggle to relate to this experience I sometimes try to explain using an analogy:
Consider how you view adult content. A woman on her own would generally be arousing to you, whereas a man on his own would likely not. However a man and woman together creates a visual dynamic that combines both male and female sexuality in a way that most straight leaning people generally find arousing. This is how I relate to in-person experiences with a man and a woman as well.
The key difference is that this isn’t just about visual stimulation for me. It’s about the actual energy exchange, the real-time chemistry, the way personalities and desires intersect and amplify each other. When three people come together in this way, there’s a synergy that creates possibilities that would not exist in any combination of two people.
Since opening up this conversation I have learnt that my experience is not exactly unique. For many men, the presence of both masculine and feminine energies creates experiences that are more exciting than either one might be on its own. The interplay, polarity and the way the contrasting energies play off each other creates a different kind of spark.
I’ve spoken to other men who describe similar feelings, though many are hesitant to discuss it openly due to social expectations and the fear of being misunderstood. There is often shame attached to experiences that don’t fit neatly under conventional labels, which prevents honest conversations about the full spectrum of human sexuality.
The contextual nature of desire
Sexuality can be incredibly situational. A person might be primarily attracted to one gender but find themselves enjoying sexual connection with somebody of the same gender in specific contexts, like in a threesome with their partner. The environment, the emotional safety, the particular combination of people involved can all influence how we experience attraction and desire.
A person might discover a new kind of attraction or connection that they cannot experience in one-on-one situations. That doesn’t necessarily change their sexual orientation, and it doesn’t require new labels. Context matters enormously in how we experience sexuality, yet we rarely talk about this openly.
Since opening this conversation I have discovered that situational fluidity is relatively common. Sexual attraction and connection can emerge in contexts where we least expect them, influenced by the specific chemistry between people, the environment, the acts, or even the unique combination of personalities and energies involved.
I think about how differently I can show up in various social contexts. With certain groups of friends I’m more outgoing, with others more contemplative. My personality adapts and responds to the people around me. Why should sexuality be any different? We are relational beings, and our desires can be shaped by the relational context we find ourselves in.
For me, these experiences feel completely authentic and aligned with who I am. They’re not lesser experiences because they don’t fit a traditional model, they are real moments of connection that have expanded my understanding of myself and what I enjoy. They’ve taught me that sexuality is far more nuanced and contextual than I previously understood.
Each experience of this kind has been a form of self inquiry, revealing aspects of my sexuality that I didn’t know existed. Together, they each feel like stepping stones on my journey of self discovery, and have therefore been profoundly meaningful to me.
Redefining masculinity and vulnerability
Traditional masculinity often leaves little room for sexual complexity or fluidity. Men are expected to be certain about their desires, straightforward in their attractions, and uncomfortable with anything that might be perceived as “feminine” or “gay.” This often creates shame around experiences that don’t fit these narrow parameters.
Embracing sexual fluidity has required me to examine and challenge some of these ingrained beliefs about what it means to be masculine. I’ve had to accept that curiosity and openness are actually forms of strength, not weakness. Being willing to explore unfamiliar aspects of myself takes more courage than staying safely within conventional boundaries.
I’ve also had to separate my understanding of masculinity from the expectations of other people. Some people might see my experiences as threatening to their own sense of masculine identity, but that’s not my responsibility to manage. Authentic masculinity, in my view, includes the capacity for vulnerability, curiosity and emotional complexity.
The men I’ve spoken to who share similar experiences sometimes struggle with this intersection of sexuality and gender identity. Creating space for more nuanced conversations about masculinity benefits everyone, not just those of us exploring sexual fluidity.
The difference between fantasy and reality
There can often be a significant gap between what we find arousing in theory and what we actually want to experience in practice. Many people might relate to my visual analogy about adult content, but feel uncertain about whether that translates to real-life interest.
I’ve learned to pay attention to the difference between intellectual curiosity, visual arousal, and genuine desire for physical connection. Just because something is exciting to think about doesn’t mean it will be fulfilling in reality. Conversely, experiences that seem unremarkable in fantasy can sometimes be surprisingly meaningful once you introduce real chemistry and emotional connection.
I find that the best way to understand your own desires is through honest self-reflection and, when ready, careful exploration. I’ve found it helpful to start with smaller steps, checking in with myself about what feels authentic versus what feels performative or driven by external expectations.
It’s also important to recognise that desires can evolve. Something that is appealing to you now might feel out of alignment later, or vice versa. Staying curious rather than making permanent judgments about yourself allows for this natural evolution.
The role of emotional safety
Emotional safety is the foundation that makes sexual exploration possible. Without it, we remain guarded and unable to access our authentic desires. This safety comes from feeling truly accepted, not judged, and knowing that our vulnerabilities will not be used against us.
In my experience, the most profound sexual connections have emerged in environments where I felt completely secure. This includes safety with my partner, but also safety within myself to be honest about what I want and don’t want. When that foundation exists, desires that might otherwise remain hidden can naturally emerge.
Creating emotional safety requires ongoing effort from everyone involved. It means approaching each other’s experiences with curiosity rather than judgment, honoring boundaries without taking them personally, and maintaining open communication even when conversations become uncomfortable.
I’ve noticed that emotional safety also includes the freedom to change your mind, to discover that something you thought you wanted doesn’t actually appeal to you, or that something unexpected becomes deeply meaningful. Being flexible allows for authentic exploration rather than performance or pressure.
Sexuality on a spectrum
In my view, sexuality exists on a spectrum, and most of us fall somewhere in between the two extremes. The idea that a person is either straight, bi or gay oversimplifies the rich complexity of human desire. Many people with a generally straight orientation also have capacity for same sex attraction under specific circumstances.
This spectrum is not just about gender attraction either. It encompasses how we experience desire, what situations turn us on, what kinds of emotional connections we seek, how we relate to different energies and personalities. Some people are more responsive to emotional connection, others to physical chemistry, others to specific dynamics or power exchanges.
It is okay to enjoy physical intimacy with a person of the same gender without needing to redefine your sexual orientation. Our attractions can be influenced by context, energy, emotional connection and countless other factors. The pressure to categorise every sexual experience can actually limit our ability to explore and understand ourselves fully.
I’ve found that the more I’ve accepted the fluid nature of my sexuality, the more authentic my experiences have become. Rather than trying to fit into a box, I’ve learnt to trust my instincts and follow what feels natural in each moment.
Understanding myself and others
Recognising and accepting this about myself has been liberating. I no longer feel the need to analyse every moment of attraction or intimacy through the lens of “what does this say about me?” because it actually doesn’t matter. Instead, I can appreciate connections and experiences for exactly what they are in each moment.
This shift in perspective has been profound. Rather than viewing each experience as evidence of some fixed identity, I now see them as expressions of my capacity for connection and pleasure. This has allowed me to be more present in intimate moments, more open to possibilities, more honest about what I desire and want. Accepting the complexity of my sexuality has made me feel more whole, not less.
This understanding has also made me more sensitive to others who might not fit neatly into conventional categories. Sexuality is deeply personal, and each person’s individual experience is important and valid.
I’ve become more curious about others’ experiences and more appreciative of the diversity of human sexuality. This has enriched my understanding of myself and others in an impactful way.
Navigating social expectations and judgment
One of the most challenging aspects of embracing sexual fluidity can be dealing with the reactions of other people. Society often expects us to fit into clear categories, and when we don’t, it can create discomfort for those around us. I’ve encountered everything from curiosity to confusion to outright avoidance when sharing my experiences.
Learning to separate my own understanding of myself from the need to make sense to other people has been integral. While those closest to me are both understanding and supportive, not everyone will understand or accept the complexity of my sexuality, and that’s okay.
When exploring new sides to yourself, judgment can sometimes come from unexpected places. People who consider themselves open-minded might still struggle with experiences that challenge their own understanding of sexuality. Learning to stand firm in your own truth, regardless of other people’s reactions, is an ongoing practice that requires both courage and self-compassion.
Labels are completely optional
At the end of the day, labels are tools that can help us understand and communicate about ourselves with other people. When they serve that purpose, they can be useful. When they become restrictive or fail to accurately describe our experience, we should not force ourselves to use them.
For some, the pressure to label every aspect of our sexuality can create anxiety. It can force us into boxes that don’t fit, or make us feel like we need to justify our experiences to ourselves and others.
If I had to choose labels I would identify as “heteroflexible” and “pansensual”, because the most common interpretations of those labels broadly describe how I experience attraction and relationships. However, I also recognise that my sexuality has nuances that labels cannot fully capture, and that’s okay. What matters to me is not finding the ideal label, but understanding and accepting myself as I am.
When we accept that labels are optional we are free to focus on what is most important, which is authentic connection, communication and experiences. Whether we choose to use labels or not, what really matters is being true to ourselves and respectful of others.
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Sexuality is complex, but there’s room for all of us to experience ourselves authentically within that complexity. With or without labels.
Communication in relationships and intimate connections
In a relationship or intimate connection, conversations about sexual fluidity require vulnerability and timing. It can be important to approach these discussions when both partners are relaxed and emotionally available, not in the heat of the moment or during times of stress or external pressure.
Clear communication about boundaries, desires, and comfort levels becomes even more important when exploring non-traditional dynamics. Both partners deserve to feel seen, heard, and safe to express their authentic feelings without judgement or emotional repercussion.
Having a partner who understands and appreciates the complexity of her own sexuality has been invaluable for me on my journey, and has been a great support when navigating these questions about myself.
Evie recently wrote a brilliant article on the topic of attraction, identity and the complexities of modern sexuality, which explores these concepts in much greater detail. For a deeper dive into labels and how they can both help and hinder our understanding of ourselves, I strongly recommend you read it.
An ongoing journey
Sexuality is not a destination to arrive at, but an ongoing journey of exploration and discovery. Just as we continue to evolve as people throughout our lives, so too can our sexuality continue to unfold in unexpected ways.
What I share today represents my understanding of myself at this moment in time. I don’t know what future experiences will teach me, what new aspects of myself I might discover, or how my attractions and desires might continue to evolve. I’ve come to see this uncertainty not as something to fear, but as something to embrace with curiosity.
This perspective has been transformative and instead of feeling pressure to have everything figured out, I’ve learned to embrace the mystery of ongoing self-discovery. Each new experience becomes an opportunity to learn something new about myself.
The conversations I’ve had since sharing my experiences have shown me just how many people are navigating similar territory. There’s a quiet revolution happening as more of us begin to acknowledge that sexuality can be fluid, contextual and beautifully complex. Together we are slowly creating space for experiences that fall outside the traditional narratives about attraction and desire.
In sharing my truth I want to ensure you know that I am not rejecting more conventional orientations, or undermining the importance of identity for those who find clarity in specific labels. I feel it’s about expanding our collective understanding to include the full spectrum of human sexual experience, including those of us who find ourselves somewhere in the beautiful, nuanced middle.
As I continue on this journey, I remain committed to approaching my sexuality with curiosity rather than judgment, openness rather than rigidity, and authenticity rather than conformity. I’m learning to trust that whatever I discover about myself will be valid and worthy of acceptance, even if it challenges my previous understanding.
If you’re on your own journey of sexual self-discovery, I encourage you to be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to be curious, to explore, to question, and most importantly, to remain open to the possibility that you might surprise yourself. Our sexuality, like everything else about us, has the capacity to grow and change throughout our lives.